DON'T WANT TO BE ANOREXIC.
Formerly - dontwanttobeaverage
Read below first ☺
My name's Kasia. I'm a 17 year old girl
in recovery who's recovered from Anorexia. I've had Anorexia since May 2010. I also suffer from severe depression, anxiety and some OCD tendencies.
I've been in recovery since September 2010, but I only began taking recovery seriously, and wanting it for myself, in January 2011, once I realised I was wasting my life in hospital.
I went into hospital at the end of October 2010 and left in March 2011. I went to hell and back there.
I am at a healthy weight recommended for my height, but I will not discuss my weight or height because I believe any discussion of numbers leads to a disordered competition, so please do not ask.
I'm trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, whilst inspiring my followers to do the same by choosing recovery.
This is where I will write about my ups and my downs, and I hope to show those of you with eating disorders that recovery doesn't mean "getting fat". It means leading a healthy and happy life with freedom. My posts will mostly consist of personal posts, inspirational photos or quotes, research into the psychology of eating disorders, and also a few items on fitness and nutrition.
My daddy has a page on my blog called "The Gospel According to Dad" which I'm hoping will show you how much your ED affects those around you, and maybe if a parent of an eating disordered child sees my blog, they will see that they're not alone in this experience either.
Think of this as a recovery blog, but if are you triggered by talk of exercise then please read with caution as I sometimes post about my workouts. This is a place that inspires recovery, and also a healthy lifestyle.
I love giving advice, so if you need help with anything, I'm always here for you, even if it's just as a distraction. And you can always contact me by tagging a post with dontwanttobeanorexic.I answer privately if it's unrelated to me/my food posts/my blog. br>
• Snippets of my story
• Posts I am most proud of
• The Gospel According to Dad
• Amazon Wishlist
• Fashion, Beauty and DIY blog
• ED Behaviours Challenge
• Nothing you confess, could make me love you less. (Ask)
Don't want to be anorexic.
These are reminder cards I made for myself whilst in hospital.
When I was scared about recovery, I’d look at them.
Where it says something about “going home”, you can replace that with whatever goal you want to achieve, like rejoining your dance team, or graduating, or anything.
• 13 May 2013 • 20 notes
TW: Diary entries from my during my ED
It’s not the whole story, not by far. One set of entries, from a diary pre-hospital, got ripped out during a fight with my mother because she could use it as “evidence” and the other diary from the very beginning of my hospital stay is at my dad’s house but if I remember correctly it was incredibly dark and spoke mostly about calories, etc, and would be very triggering.
• 11 May 2013 • 10 notes
Today, two years after being referred to a CAMHS team, I have been officially discharged.
Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook will already have seen my excited posts about this, but I wanted to share this with everyone on here, for you, my dear followers, are what have helped me get so far in my recovery.
Here’s a short version of my recovery:
- July, 2010: I was taken to my GP, and told not to lose anymore weight.
- September, 2010: I lost more weight over summer and was thus referred to a CAMHS team and assigned a psychologist, psychiatrist, dietician and nurse.
- October, 2010: I did not cooperate with my CAMHS team - I didn’t believe their threats of admittance - this is one of my biggest regrets. I was admitted into hospital. During the course of my stay I had a nasogastric tube twice. I got to my lowest weight here, but also during my stay, I made a 180 degree turn around in my mentality and really committed to my recovery.
- March, 2011: I was discharged from the inpatient ward and continued with CAMHS treatment. I joined my old year and completed 4 out of 10 GCSEs.
- September, 2011: Repeat my GCSE year with the year below me who will become my year for the rest of my time at my school.
- January, 2012: Relapse. I got back on track with the support of my parents and close friends.
- August, 2012: Discharged from CAMHS.
I am not recovered, no, but I now have tools and the strength within me that I have built up over these past two years to be able to overcome this by myself, with the help of friends and family.
The average ED patient will take 5 years to recover, and as this is just an average, there are many who suffer for decades. You do not have to fall into this statistic. You do not have to be just another number. And even if you have suffered for far longer than 5 years, you are still capable of fully recovering.
I’m not spewing you rose-tinted bullshit - this is a real life account, and I am real life proof, that, with perseverance, recovery is possible.
• 8 August 2012 • 30 notes
Anonymous asked: So when you went to hospital was it because you decided or you were forced to it? Without mentioning numbers (I know you don't do that) I imagine you got to a very very low weight so I guess your worst condition must have been like... really, really bad. One doesn't get to that point in a short period of time so, did you have like a "last period of fighting" before going to hospital? Situations like your family or friends begging you for recovering?
I was forced into. I’ve gone over this before, but you seem like a lovely, polite anon, so I’ll say it again. I was kicked out of school because they couldn’t handle my behaviour anymore and I was “disrupting other students’ education” and because if you’re under 16, you legally have to attend school or have an excuse that’s being cared for, I had to go into hospital because I couldn’t just waste away at home (legally and my family couldn’t deal with that.)
I was anorexic for 5 months before being admitted into hospital - it was very much a whirlwind spiral into the deepest depths of an anoretic mind - it took over me, perhaps because I was on one of the lowest calorie starvation diets from the day I chose to really throw my all into my weightloss and so was taken over from the word go.
There was a lot of last minute begging. And begging through out my time in hospital. And my first three months in hospital didn’t go well at all - I lost more weight, had an NG tube twice and was threatened with residential units and sectioning multiple times.
I don’t put my turn around down to the hospital at all. Sure, the experience has now made me realise how bad it got, but at the time I thought it was pointless. The only way I did my 360 turnaround into recovery was through my own will power and the support of my parents. CAMHS were useless, the nurses were useless. Had it not been for my parents, and their strength despite what was going on, I don’t think I would have found the strength within myself to carry on, so I owe it to them.
• 11 June 2012 • 3 notes
Anonymous asked: And what made you go further with anorexia when you started? Did you have friends with strange behaviours or something? How much time went by until your parents noticed it? and when they did, didn't they tried to stop you or started watching you or something? sorry if this sounds like a hundred questions, I tried to write it differently so it didn't look like that but I failed :(
I had a blog on here called dontwanttobeaverage and was a member of the thinspo community, etc. I was encouraged by that, and once you get taken over by the anorexic mindset there’s really no stopping you.
My parents noticed I was losing weight but they didn’t notice for a while because they saw me so often, and because I’d always been chubby and trying to lose weight, they didn’t really see it as a problem. I had methods that I’d found through the ED community of hiding my behaviours so really they had no way of knowing.
My friends were extremely worried about me and multiple people reported me to my Head of Year who called me in and called my parents in for various talks. They knew there was a problem but only once my dad received an anonymous email with a link to my thinspo blog was it obvious that my weight loss had by now become an extreme situation.
They did begin watching me more closely, but like I said I had methods of hiding the tricks I did to get out of eating, and they couldn’t force food down me.
• 11 June 2012
Anonymous asked: Now that you are recovering, could you identify the main reason of why you got an ED? For example, your parents' separation or something like that? When did you start with your ED?
I’d put it down to extremely low self-esteem (I remember feeling fat as young as 5 and the feeling of “not being good enough” hasn’t stopped since), an aching desire for perfection, and being bullied.
And my parents’ separation never had any influence me. I’d be a lot worse off if they were still together.
• 11 June 2012 • 1 note
Anonymous asked: Were you admitted to hospital purely because of weight or because of bloods and stuff?
Why does it matter?
I was admitted because of my mental and physical health and because I’d been kicked out of school because they couldn’t handle my behaviour anymore and I was disrupting other students. Because I was under-16, I couldn’t just stay at home, because you have to be in school and it’s illegal otherwise, so they put me into hospital because it was my health that was affecting me. That’s part of the story.
• 4 June 2012 • 1 note
Anonymous asked: How did your anorexia start, like do you have a story posted anywhere? You're doing amazing, keep it up! x
I’ve not posted a story, no. I’ve always had body image problems, ever since I was very young. I never lost the “puppy fat” and because I was tall for my age, I used to have to buy clothes for older girls and put it down to “being fat”. I’ve been on and off diets since I was about 10, and when I came across pro-ana sites, five years later, on tumblr, there was just no stopping me that time round. I thought it was fitting to bring my recovery back to the place that tipped me over the edge. That’s the very short version.
• 16 April 2012
The self harm scars are self explanatory. I think this picture makes them look a lot worse than what they are but I just wanted to show the difference but very deep scars and less serious ones. The burn marks on my arm and my legs are self harm and the ones on my hands are all baking induced. The green mark on my chin is where I fell off a stool as a child and split my chin on a counter top. The ones on my knees are typical, clumsy falling over scars. The yellow on my fingers are tooth mark scars from purging. On my legs, shaving cuts, lol, and on the backs of my ankles, scars from awful shoes over the years.
• 21 March 2012 • 6 notes